As a jealous man, I suffer four times over: because I am jealous, because I blame myself for being so, because I fear that my jealousy will wound the other, because I allow myself to be subject to a banality: I suffer from being excluded, from being aggressive, from being crazy, and from being common.
“
| — | Roland Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments. |
Okay, personal post, scroll down if you don’t want to read it.
Chris is coming over to talk today. I’ve decided to write him a letter. I figured I’d post it on here to see if anyone had the time to read it and give me input. It’s pretty long, though, so I won’t count on it.
Dear Chris,
I thought that maybe it’d be easier for me if I wrote everything down, because I wanted to make sure that if I had to walk away from this you knew everything I wanted you to know. I need to know that even after you read this and know everything that’s going on in my mind and heart, you’ve still decided to be done. Although, I hope not.
So, you say you don’t love me anymore. Actually, you said, “I love you, I’m just not in love with you.” That was the first time I felt my heart break. It broke completely when you said you wanted to give up instead of trying to fix this. And then we cried, for two different reasons that are sort of the same. Your reason was because I was hurt, my reason was because I was hurt, too. I was losing you, and I couldn’t handle it.
It’s been a little over 36 hours and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I’ve had two restless night of sleep that were plagued with dreams of you that reminded me that everything is different. I cry. A lot. And I feel like I’m going to throw up, so I can’t eat. It’s crazy the things that a broken heart will cause, ya know?
I opened up the front door yesterday and broke down because I realized that I probably won’t see you sitting on the porch waiting for me to come outside anymore. I checked by texts and cried because I knew we wouldn’t be texting all day anymore. I cried because I couldn’t text you to come over when I’m bored, I cried because there would be no more holding hands or kisses goodbye. I cried because something we built over a 4 year span of time is crumbling.
You know, part of me wishes you could feel how I feel. Not because I want you to hurt, but because I want you to really understand. It isn’t fair, Chris. It isn’t fair that we’ve fallen apart. It isn’t fair that you won’t try to fix it. I want you to know what it feels like to cry in your sleep and to literally feel your heart breaking.
I love you. And I know that deep down you love me. It sounds stupid and like an excuse that I’m making to create a cushion for this situation, but I honestly believe that. We’ve both changed since we first got together, I know that. Our feelings have changed and the love we have for each other isn’t as obvious sometimes. But it’s still there. It’s there when you cry because you know you’ve hurt me, it’s there in the moments where you question if this was the right thing to do, it’s there when you think of things that were and miss them. You see all the time we’ve spent together and wonder if you’ve wasted it, and you get scared. You see your distance and decrease in interest as falling out of love. And it’s possible, Chris. But I don’t think that after all this time, all the struggles we’ve gone through and all the experiences we’ve had, that you could just fall out like that.
Four years are hard to get over. I wouldn’t change a minute; though, I can’t say I don’t have regrets. I regret not being everything I could have been for you. I regret spending so much time not letting you know that I love you. Maybe if we didn’t spend those two years in that limbo state, half together and half not, things wouldn’t be so hard. We got used to half-assing things and being confused.
We’ve both been assholes. I nag and I’m hyper-sensitive. I make big deals out of little things. But it’s because I love you. You have a hard time showing how you feel, and you’re comfortable with me so sometimes you say or do things you shouldn’t. But those are things that we can get over. I refuse to believe that we can’t fix this, maybe it’s because I love you as much as I do. Maybe I’m in denial. But I think we’re both confused and I think that with a little time to fall back into place we can recapture what we had.
But I have a feeling that you won’t believe that, and you’ve already said that you think getting back together is the easy way out. But you can’t think of it like that. Sure, it’ll be easy because it’ll stop my tears for a little while, and it’ll make some of this pain go away. But I wouldn’t say or believe all of this just because it would make me feel better. I genuinely believe that our time isn’t up. Sometimes the easy decision is the right one, too.
I just wish I could say the right words or sentences to make you realize that some people would kill for what we have, or had if you’re right about all of this. Love isn’t something to take for granted. There is a reason that every time you and I say we’re going to walk away from this we always end up walking in the same direction. You’ve become a part of me, and I slept soundly knowing that I was safe with you. Even when we’d argue or you wouldn’t act like I wanted you to, I still felt like you were quite possibly the one person that I could trust my heart with. And it felt good knowing I had yours, too.
Please don’t take this as me saying I can’t get over this. I know that I can, I know that with time it won’t hurt as badly. I can walk away from this. Hell, I’m sure I’ll eventually find a cute boy who gives me butterflies, and someday I’ll probably love again. But every love is unique. I don’t want to trade your heart for another. I don’t want another boy to hug me when I’m upset, or to stay up late talking on the phone about stupid things like “rape-dicks.” I want you. And I think, deep down, you want me too.
It’s hard because everyone talks about how you never really get over your first love. 15years down the road, when I’m an adult with a job and maybe a husband and kids, I’ll still remember you. I’ll remember what we had, and I’ll wonder what would have been. You will, too. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this. I don’t want to look back and say, “what would have happened if I told him everything I wanted him to know?” And I don’t want you to look back and wonder, “what if I had tried a little harder, a little longer?” I don’t want to look back with regrets.
Open your eyes, Chris. Realize that things are ever-changing. And your heart does some strange things. Sometimes it gives you red-flags, and it’s up to you to interpret them. You can take your red-flag as I reason to leave, or you can take it as sign to hold on tighter. Your body sends pains signals to the brain as a message to fix what hurts, and I guess this is my attempt.
When we first got together we agreed on “forever and always.” We made this promise not only to each other, but to ourselves. I’ll keep this promise if you want me to, and I can abandon it if you think it’s what’s right. Just remember that I love you, in a way unlike any other. I’m always only a text, a phone call, a 15minute walk, or a roughly 7minute bike ride away. Just don’t waste time, because love has been kind to us so far and we really shouldn’t waste it.
Love, forever and always,
—Kristie.
P.S.- I read this quote, and I know how much you love your “love quotes” app, so here’s one for you: “When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.”
